Two Stories I Tell Myself

Two Stories I Tell Myself.

 
I actually wrote this last night at midnight when I had racing thoughts as I tried to go to sleep. I wrote it on the notes app in my phone. And it helped me get to sleep. My thoughts were about how recently... well over the past several years really... I've been busting down the old walls I built around myself... How I'm rewriting my truth by destroying old negative self truths. By doing what I thought wasn't possible. The pictures in this post are just a small example. I've told myself for years that while I can design on the computer, I can't design with actual paper, paint and pencil. I believed this. Until I tried.

I have two stories. I'm going to tell you both of them because I'm betting at least some of you have similar stories. One is true. The other? Sadly, that's the one that's easier to hold on to. You've told yourself this story since you were old enough to start collecting stories. And you hold on to it because it is deeply rooted in personal history... some of which you may have been too young to understand. 

The other story takes far more courage to believe. But in the end, it's your true story. And only you can write it.

Maybe it's the writing that makes it so difficult. It's gotta be 'eeked out of the dark recesses of who you really are.

The first story? You didn't write it. It's things that you assumed, it's something a teacher said in elementary school, it's the way a childhood friend treated you, it's simply your place in the birth order between you and your siblings. It's all too easy to hold on to.

This is that easy story... and though it's easy to remember, it's not without hardship. I've told myself this story stretching back to my earliest memories. I've told it even when I thought I wasn't. It's the story of what I'm not good at. What I can't do. It's the story about how I'm not liked. If you do like me, it's the story about how if you only knew the truth about who I really am, you would not like me anymore. It's a dreadful, painful story. The telling of it has shattered bits and pieces of me. And yet it's my voice that tells the story. 

If only I/she could be quiet. There's a louder, happier story that needs to be told. A story that doesn't get told nearly as often as it should. A story that once and for all stomps out the smoke from the first story.

The story that needs to be told is the one in which I win. It's the one that says that when I try hard enough, I succeed. It's the one in which I'm good at things I never thought I could be good at. It's the one in which I'm not ashamed of my achievements (as if they aren't my own to share), but proud of them. It's the one in which I don't care if you like me, because I like me enough for the both of us. It's the one in which what I have is enough. I'm grateful. I'm peaceful. Although I tell myself this story over and over, it's at constant war with the other, prickly story. But it's this story that's gonna win. Is winning. Because I'm writing it... I'm not relying on old truths, half memories or something someone else told me.

Bit by bit, day by day, year by year ... it grows louder. It grows more fierce. It's angry at the old irrational story. It pushes through to be the one true story. 

It's my story. It's your story. It's the true story. 

Comments

[Krista]

1.

Wow! These words have changed my mood instantly. I'm about to return to work with a whole new attitude! Thanks for sharing, you're awesome. And the art in your photos looks fantastic. But you already know that :D

[Tammy Gilley]

2.

Perfect. Loved this. Am going to rewrite my story. Starting now.

[Betz]

3.

Lovely brave post, Bari. I don't know why, but it reminded me of this short film based on a story by a 6 year old boy. He shares how he uses his mind to brush away bad thoughts. It's called "Scared is scared" and it's really sweet! http://vimeo.com/58659769

[Mary Ann]

4.

This made me tear up. Why are those old stories so powerful? I need to fight harder I think. You have been as inspiration, add that to your new story. You energize and empower many of us every day. Thank you.

[Debra M.]

5.

I must agree with others in that you do inspire and energize others...look at us? I hear the stories in my head and my heart knows better, but the fight is real. Everyday. Why is that? Perhaps this evening I shall ponder that. Thank you!!

[Jeanette]

6.

You wont remember, but a few years ago you sent me a short email after I left a comment here. Your words then were so encouraging, and I started tentatively to believe. Sadly life had other ideas, and a family tragedy spun my life around, so that several years later I'm still struggling and believing I'm not good enough, these words here are just what I needed to read today, thank you. x

[Catherine]

7.

I love the line 'It's the one in which I don't care if you like me, because I like me enough for the both of us.' I've been on this journey for quite some time now too - it's amazing how many of us are. Just keep switching the light on every day.

[Sandi]

8.

Oh how I wish this wasn't a constant battle for us. I'm fighting it too. Thank you for putting it out there. Love your work.

[Jan]

9.

Stupendously expressed! I have had this experience as well - and it really makes me mad, too, when I realize how I've contained myself!! Thanks for sharing - we all needed to hear this!

[Lis Martion]

10.

Mmmmm!!!

[Mary]

11.

Truth is beauty. This is achingly beautiful because it is so painfully true. Thanks for putting the feelings of so many women into words.
PS. I hope these watercolors and sketches someday find their way onto fabric. That girl with the fishing pole has a story!

[Karen]

12.

What awesome words you've expressed here for us to cherish. For me at the age of soon-to-be 65, I maintain my own constant struggle(s) of experiences & memories of the past. At the same time, I watch as my grown adult daughter tries hard to sort out issues of her own. Is it a woman's plight? I don't know. Thanks for your wonderful thoughts - great to ponder on a snowy March day!

[Lynette]

13.

That is awesome! Thank you for thinking it, writing it and sharing it!
You are so wise and wonderful! We all are!

[Anna]

14.

Your words are so wise. Thank you for writing this x

[allisa]

15.

Bari,
Thank you for writing this and sharing your wisdom. I'm glad this is the first thing I've read this morning, because I am - and have been- so caught up in the story I tell myself. And it's full of doubt & hurt & fear. Such an inspiring reminder to write our own words.

Love your work & the stories it tells...

xo,
allisa

[Judith]

16.

Bari, your insights make you so endearing to all of your blog friends. Thank you so much for all that you do and say. I love your bluebird...a sure sign of Spring.

[Miss Nancy]

17.

Your words are thoughtful, insightful, well spoken, and ever so true as well as inspiring. Keep listening to those words that tell you what you can do and what you want to do. Keep listening to those words that say I can. Keep on doing and trying. This is how we learn about ourselves and each other. It makes life fun and worthwhile. I makes us respectful of ourselves and others. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

Have a super great sewing, stitching, and doing day!

[Miss Nancy]

18.

I forgot to say that your drawings are most excellent!

[jeanette]

19.

Thank you for your honesty and putting into words your struggles for all of us to see. As I struggle to stay in touch with the woman I perceived myself to be as near as 5 years ago, now finding myself in life's situations our of my control, you inspire and encourage me. Your art is beautiful, exemplifying that there is always more untouched inside each of us that is waiting to get out.

[Nicky Ovitt]

20.

Thank you, Bari! I'm a huge fan of YOU— artist, designer, quilter and the reason I like reading your blog so much: honest character! I wholeheartedly agree that these two storytellers live within me. For years the one who reminded me of the teacher in art school who said I had great ideas but needed to work on the follow through had the stronger voice. I translated his opinion in a much harsher way, and combined it with tough life events (that everyone has) which devised to hold me back. Thanks maybe to age and diminishing time left here I see time has run out on allowing that voice to rule. Writings and stories like yours help so much. Lovely watercolors, please keep sharing them!

[Pam in IL]

21.

I have that one story, you know the one, that never goes away. Nothing reinforces it more than a few unfortunate words from my mother! Thanks for giving me a new perspective and sharing your story!

[Ginger]

22.

Oh my, I don't know whether I should feel joy or sadness. I can feel both in your words, beautifully written and illustrated. Many of us need to allow ourselves to realize the positive impact we have on those around us. You create beautiful things that make me smile, I don't know you personally, but you have inspired me to be more creative. Thank you.

[Karen]

23.

WOW!!! Thank you Bari. You are truly awesome. Thank you very much for sharing; you are a wonderful inspiration. We all have something inside that needs to be let out and be free. With your encouragement we can do it, too! Hugs

[natski]

24.

Me too, thank you so much.
I think sometimes we get so caught up in the first story we forget that other people have the same story going on as well, thank you so much. i relate with evrything you said and I know how much effort it takes to keep that second story on track and how much more fun and enjoyable everything is when you do.
much love
xoxoxo

[Janie]

25.

Thanks, Bari, the battle is in our minds. Your words are encouraging.

[Nanci Byers]

26.

Thank you

[Bev]

27.

Oh my gosh, I'm so moved by your post! Beautifully and thoughtfully writtten and yes, it's about all of us. Thank you, thank you for posting this today!

[Linda]

28.

Bari, isn't it so strange how we view one another, and then ourselves. I've read your blog for forever, and thought how talented, creative and just beautiful you are! and the inspiration you have provided all of us - oh my goodness, how I've wished to have just a little of your talent. I know and feel the words you express - we must all keep on the journey of a new story and encourage one another. Thank you!!!!

[Katie]

29.

Beautifully expressed and captures the exact sentiment of a book I'm reading right now. I also like your statement "...I like myself enough for the both of us"~well said! I struggle so with wanting to make everyone happy, an unattainable goal if there ever was one.

You've made me smile for today, so let me leave you with one of my favorite quotes that may make you smile too. I'd credit the author, but I can't remember where I picked this up~

"When I was in my 20's I worried about what everyone else was thinking about me.

When I was in my 40's I didn't care what everyone else was thinking about me.

When I was in my 60's I realized no one else was thinking about me."

Thank you, Bari, for sharing your wisdom.

[Patty]

30.

Thank you

[Nayade]

31.

in tears, so hard to let go, and release those untruths about ourselves. thank you for sharing and putting into words those feelings inside which as from all the previous comments many of us share with you. Thankyou. Thankyou.
We are all beautiful and worthwhile women.

[[email protected]]

32.

I found tears running down my face, so much rang true to my soul...I'm going to re-write my stories this very afternoon!
Thank you, thank you for being open to tell your truth and open my soul to all the old stories I've been telling myself all these years.
I turn 60 this weekend and I've been not so excited about that, now I feel like I can make new stories for this new decade and beyond!

Thank you, Bari
Tee

[Michelle]

33.

Such good truth here. I needed this today. Thank you!

[Kelly (everkelly)]

34.

Bari, I came to this post a bit late. (But maybe right on time?) Having had the joy of spending some time with you in person, I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate how quick you are to catch defeating self-talk in the words of others + help them turn it around. (You've done it with me - and I always notice and appreciate it!) It's harder to do with ourselves - but I know you can since your radar is already in tune. You are already writing the better story - and it's really, really good!

[Julie (Gardengirl)]

35.

Hi, I found you through your sister-in-law's blog. I love this story! It's the exact same thing that I've been working on! Did you do a Beth Moore bible study? If you didn't, your story is amazingly close. I mean, amazingly. Best of luck to you and keep writing your new story!

[Dawn Heese]

36.

Great post and fabulous painting.

[Jenelle Designs]

37.

Hi Bari-
Just found you through Crescendoh :)
Love your blogpost--
and love, love, love your artwork!
I am now a subscriber--
look forward to seeing more.
Warmly,
Jenelle
W.H.O.A. - Women Helping One Another
"We are so Powerful Working Together"